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All goodness is a
participation in God and His love for His creatures. God loves irrational
creatures and His love provides for them.
St. Catherine of Genoa
Cat's New Year's Resolutions
My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace with
I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my
human has finished watching a horror
I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.
I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to
stuff them down the sink's drain.
I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke
them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.
I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt
right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It
took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)
I will not fish out my human's partial plate from the glass so that the
dog can "wear" it and pretend to be my human. (It is somewhat unnerving to
wake up, roll over in bed, and see the dog grinning at you with your own
I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.
I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare
into her eyes until she wakes up.
We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the
Plains of the Serengeti over any humans' bed while they're trying to
Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget
this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my
attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.
I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase
I will not complain that my bottom is wet and that I am thirsty after
sitting in my water bowl.
I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and singe my
I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in
it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to
get the rubber cement out of my fur.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it
dissolves in boiling coffee.
When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will not bite
down on my foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my human.
When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not
necessary to check every door.
Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try
to open it up to get the birds out.
I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird feeder
(with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds to just fly in.
I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.
The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move
out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That
does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit
there and laugh.
I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring
in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come
When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to
I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room
floor trying to do sit ups.
When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a hammock.
Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help installing
a new board in her computer.
I will not bring the city police to the front door by stepping on the
speaker phone button and then the automatic 911 dial button.
I will not speed dial the overseas numbers.
I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important
emiognaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.
I will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard next door. They have sharp
hooves and could hurt me if they weren't laughing so hard.
I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the guinea pig likes to
sleep once in a while.
The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its
I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the toilet.
I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding up) off of
the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it so that they adhere to
I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will start writing
things in my records like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet Kitty" instead of the
stuff that's there now like "MEAN!!" "BITER!!!" and "GET HELP!!!!!"
I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose at
2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me.
I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much they chase
me or how hard they pull my tail.
If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion that the scars
resemble a botched suicide attempt.
If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is
much more socially acceptable than a big live cockroach, even if it isn't
I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea. I will not
get high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading the floor afterwards.
I will not then get delusions of grandeur and make tea in the toilet bowl
or the tub. And I will not try to make tea with used socks, dirty panties
or hair scrunches when my humans take the catnip toy away from me.
A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap
All About Cats
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."
"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."
"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."
"One cat just leads to another."
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you
"Cats aren't clean, they're covered with cat spit."
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never
I AM CAT
There is no leap I would not dare,
For graceful stunts I have a flair,
But spare the fanfare and applause,
I only do such stunts because,
I AM CAT, and born that way,
Seldom seeming to display,
Much affection -- but I may!
Though acting calm may seem the norm,
It's oft the calm before the storm.
With shrill noises as I scrap and tease,
I can create 'CAT'astrophes,
But mostly just prefer to please.
And every chance I get I seize,
To nap, and sun myself and groom,
Adopting well to space and room.
I like to dominate the scene,
With purr-ception that's quite keen.
So why do so many like my breed,
And cater to my every need,
With food and toys I don't demand?
Because I AM CAT, and take command.
From Cleopatra to today,
Cats are here, and here to stay!
|The Creation of Pets
Where do pets come from?
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer
to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us
every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is
difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be
with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that
you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or
childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as
you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom
and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a
reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own
name, and you will call him
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said,
"Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen
like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has
indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be
with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will
remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not
always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes,
they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a fig one way or the other.
A Dog's Rules for Christmas:
1.Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may
appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long
comforting dog leans.
2.They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not
assume that all the gifts are yours.
3.Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get
some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake
4.They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent
place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem
to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some
things you need to know: * Don't pee on the tree * Don't drink water in
the container that holds the tree * Mind your tail when you are near the
tree * If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell
interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open * Don't
chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the
5.Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit
during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call
for some discretion on your part: * Not all strangers appreciate kisses
and leans * Don't eat off the buffet table * Beg for goodies subtly * Be
pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa * Don't drink out
of glasses that are left within your reach
6.Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will
also be important: * Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in
other people's houses. (4a is particularly important) * Respect the
territory of other animals that may live in the house * Tolerate children
* Turn on your charm big time
7.A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your
fireplace in the middle of the night. DON'T BITE HIM!!!