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When a man becomes
accustomed to have pity upon animals…his soul will likewise grow accustomed to
be kind to human beings.
Sefer Ha Chinuch, Mitzvah 596
CAT'S GUIDE TO HUMAN BEINGS"
1. Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?
So you've decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you've
the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and
creatures. There will be any number of times, during the course of your
association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to
grace them with your presence.
What's so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with
cats? Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for
centuries, but the answer is actually rather simple:
THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.
Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors,
the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations and other
activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult
do ourselves. True, chimps, orangutans and lemurs also have opposable
thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.
2. How And When to Get Your Human's Attention. Humans often erroneously
assume that there are other, more important activities than taking care
your immediate needs, such as conducting business, spending time with
families or even sleeping.
Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your
advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is
usually so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to
get you out of its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this
Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what
Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front
it, chances are good it's something they assume is more important than
They will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish your
supremacy over this wood pulp product at every opportunity. This
also works well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys and
Waking your human at odd hours: A cat's "golden time" is
between 3:30 and
4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your human's sleeping face during
time, you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an
incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to
deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to vary the scratch site
keep the human from getting suspicious.
3. Punishing Your Human Being Sometimes. Despite your best training
efforts, your human will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In
extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human. Obvious
punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating household plants,
likely to backfire: the unsophisticated humans are likely to
the activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer these
but nonetheless effective alternatives:
* Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.
* Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic
* Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a
* After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film,
by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling.
* While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.
4. Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive? The cat world
divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with the thoughtful gift
a recently disemboweled animal. Some believe that humans prefer these
already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly expiring
cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy and playful
movements in picking the creatures up after they've been presented.
After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend the
Cold blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden snakes and
occasional earthworm) should be presented dead, while warm blooded
(birds, rodents, your neighbor's Pomeranian) are better still living.
you see the expression on your human's face, you'll know it's worth it.
5. How Long Should You Keep Your Human? You are only obligated to your
human for one of your lives. The other eight are up to you. We recommend
mixing and matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones
are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do you expect?
They're humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will only take you so far.
HOW MANY DOGS DOES
TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
The sun is shining. The day is young. We've got our whole life ahead of
And you're inside worrying about a stupid,
burned-out light bulb?
Just one. Not only that, but I'll replace any wiring that's not up
I can't reach the stupid lamp!
I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time
he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Go Ahead! Make me!
What are servants for?
Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I?
Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Let the Border collie do it.
You can feed me while he's busy.
While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
I see it, there it is, right there...
It isn't moving. Who cares?
Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep Dog:
Light bulb? Light bulb?
That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
| Strict, Unbending Rules For Dealing With Stray Cats
Stray cats will not be fed.
2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.
3. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened
4. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened
with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.
5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent
6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled
7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will
absolutely not be given a name.
8. Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the
house at any time.
9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain
10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days
ending in "y".
11. Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or
sharpen their claws on the furniture.
12. Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on
the really good furniture.
13. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must sharpen claws
on new $114.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.
14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.
15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece,
high-impact plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter.
16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan
with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.
17. Stray cats will sleep outside.
18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.
20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.
21. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with
non-allergenic lamb's wool pillow.
22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.
23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the
24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.
25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers
except at the foot.
26. Stray cats will not play on the desk.
27. Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.
28. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the
desk when the human is sdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier'puyykmm4hbdm9l 09jmdskdm,.
1. The dog is not
allowed in the house.
2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in
3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the
4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not
allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not
under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.