Pet Fun
Page Two

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Not to hurt our humble brethren (the animals) is our first duty to them, but to stop there is not enough. We have a higher mission: to be of service to them whenever they require it.
St. Francis of Assisi


BROWSER: What I like to be at 3:00 am when I rearrange
all your books on your desk. Where's a kitty supposed
to lay down with all that mess?
WALLPAPER: My favorite stuff, mostly in the kitchen
and bathroom, I use to exercise my claws on.
DEFRAG: Coughing up hairballs. Hey, it's just a little
HYPERLINK: Fake hot dog filled with my favorite
pick-me-up: cat-nip.
SERVER: My human subject. You can't call them waitress,
or waiter, or slave anymore; it's not politically correct.
SHUT DOWN: Nap time - my favorite 16 hours of the day.
LAPTOP: Little ol' me. Certainly cuter, more useful,
valuable, and entertaining. and no batteries are required.
DEFAULT: Blame. If something gets broken around the house,
don't look at me! It's probably that human I have to share
my house with, or the dog's fault!
WINDOW: The best place to watch birds, squirrels, and that
weird dog next door eat out of the trash can and chase cars.
HOME PAGE: My papers - newspapers, that is, that I used
before graduating to the real kitty litter box. I think
they were the "Wanted: DOG" ads.



Things Dogs Must Remember...
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.



How to be a Cat
* Make the world your playground.
* Whenever you miss the litter tray, cover it up.
* Dragging a clean sock over it helps.
* If you can't get your way, lay across the keyboard till you do.
* When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you just to shut you up.
* Always find a good patch of sun to nap in.
* Nap often.
* When in trouble, just purr and look cute.
* Life is hard, and then you nap.
* Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.
* When in doubt, cop an attitude.
* Variety is the spice of life. One day, ignore people; the next day, annoy them.
* Climb your way to the top, that's why the curtains are there.
* Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each corner.
* A bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, "I care".



If You Can....

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of your own, something goes wrong.
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension with medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can say, honestly, that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against color, creed, religion, or politics…
Then, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog!



Law of Cat...


Law of Cat Inertia: A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.


Law of Cat Motion: A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.


Law of Cat Magnetism: All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.


Law of Cat Thermodynamics: Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.  Law of Cat Stretching A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.


Law of Cat Sleeping: All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.


Law of Cat Elongation: A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.


Law of Cat Acceleration: A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.


Law of Dinner Table Attendance: Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.  Law of Rug Configuration No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.


Law of Obedience Resistance: A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.


First Law of Energy Conservation: Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.


Second Law of Energy Conservation: Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.


Law of Refrigerator Observation: If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.


Law of Electric Blanket Attraction: Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.


Law of Random Comfort Seeking: A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.


Law of Bag / Box Occupancy: All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.


Law of Cat Embarrassment: A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.


Law of Furniture Replacement: A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.


Law of Cat Landing: A cat will always land in the softest place possible.


Law of Cat Disinterest: A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.


Law of Pill Rejection: Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.


Law of Cat Composition: A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter



Sleeping With A Dog

Whoever said, "LET SLEEPING DOGS LIE" didn't sleep with dogs. The first thing you discover when you bring a dog into your bed is the striking difference in weight between an alert, awake dog and a dog at rest.

Rule #1: The deeper the sleep the heavier the dog.

Most people who sleep with dogs develop spinal deformities rather than rent the heavy equipment necessary to move their snoring canines to a more appropriate part of the bed. Cunning canines steal precious space in tiny increments until they have achieved the center position on the bed, with all covers carefully tucked under them for safekeeping. The stretch and roll method is very effective in gaining territory. Less subtle tactics are sometimes preferred. A jealous dog can worm his way between a sleeping couple and, with the proper spring action from all four legs, shove a sleeping human to the floor.

Rule #2: The deeper the sleep the louder the dog.
As you cling to the edge of the bed, wishing you had covers, your sweet pup begins to snore at a volume you would not have thought possible. Once that quiets down, the dog dreams begin. Yipping, growling, running, kicking. Your bed becomes a battlefield and playground of canine fantasy. It starts out with a bit of "sleep running", lots of eye movement and then, suddenly, a shrieking howl blasted through the night like a banshee wail. The horror of this wake-up call haunts you for years. It's particularly devastating when your pup insists on sleeping curled around your head like a demented Daniel Boone cap.

Rule #3: When the dog wakes, you wake.
The night creeps on and you fall asleep in the 3 inches of bed not claimed by a dog. The dog dreams quiet slightly and the heap of dogflesh sleeps breathing heavily and passing wind. Then, too soon, its dawn and the heap stirs. Each dog has a distinctive and unpleasant method of waking the pack. One may position itself centimeters from a face and stare until you wake. The clever dog obtains excellent results by simply sneezing on your face, or they could romp all over your sleeping bodies, or the ever-loving insertion of a tongue in an unsuspecting ear.
So, why do we put up with this? There's no sane reason. Perhaps it's just that we're a pack and a pack heaps together at night safe, contented, heavy, and loud.


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